Pregnancy Journey: Dealing With Sadness

Currently listening to…

because I need to know that everything’s gonna be alright…

It ‘s been a month since I learned that one my twins vanished.. and since then, I have a total of 4 breakdowns.. not including the one I had when I learned about the vanishing and the one I had just a while ago.

It’s sad.. it’s lonely and heartbreaking..

I don’t feel normal at all.

This is the hardest pregnancy I had.. emotionally, and physically. I can’t even walk my kids to school.. I can’t even go to the sari sari store to buy a candy. I can’t do anything and it’s making me feel really really bad about myself. If you know me well, I am very independent and I believe I can do everything.. but now.. here I am and all I can do is feel bad about myself.

I feel bad that I can’t perform my duties as a wife and I am overwhelmed with guilt because the husband is very understanding and dependable.

I feel bad that I am being hard on my kids and overwhelmed with guilt because they want to appease me but they do not know how.

I feel bad but somehow writing it here makes me feel a bit better.

Maybe I just need to vent it out.. or I really need to have a new hobby (to make me feel better and accomplished).. or maybe this is God’s way of telling to chill out, relax and just go with the flow. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself no?

*This kind of sadness only happens when I am alone.. maybe normal for someone who is pregnant no? When I’m with my kids, specially when the husband is around, I feel a lot better.